What I Learned from Summer 2024

It has taken me more time to reflect on my summer away than past years. It’s as if everything was a bit cloudy until recently. I had bits and pieces of observations, experiences, and gleanings but I couldn’t quite put it all together until now. 

As many colleagues and friends know, I leave my home in Atlanta, GA, in the summer and move up to Door County, WI. We have family roots there and my daughter now lives there full time. Growing up I spent many vacations there and for roughly 50 years now have enjoyed the peninsula, including the many years my parents spent in retirement there. After losing my dad to cancer in 2016, we packed up my kids and my mom and we drove up to spend a few weeks in their home there. We helped my mom clean out more of the house, made a few decisions and just enjoyed our time there. It was that summer that changed how I thought about how to spend my summers. Every business there was looking for help and asked if I could stay and work, or if my kids were old enough to work. At first we all joked about working up there, but when we arrived home we started to ask all those ‘what if’ questions. We spent the next 6 months batting around the idea and figuring out how it might work. Since the summer of 2018, I have closed my studio space and moved up to Wisconsin every summer to work, live, and play. 

The peninsula is often described as an artists’ colony – full of all types of artisans including potters, painters, glassblowers, textile artists, jewelers, woodworkers, chefs, musicians, actors, writers, dancers, playwrights, blacksmiths – you name it. Mix in the natural beauty of being surrounded by Lake Michigan and all the watersports, hiking, camping, and the bluffs which are part of the Niagara Escarpment, and you can start to see why it is a place I love. Beyond that, the little villages dotting the peninsula are all loaded with resorts, boutiques, restaurants, galleries, and all of the Creatives showcasing their work in their shops. As a family we’ve developed many friendships over the years with business owners, residents, and artists. It was easy for me to reach out and get a summer job working in a boutique, or for a Creative artist friend in their shop. I deepened my own connections there and continue to support my Creative friends, business coaching clients, and many business owners there. 

To hear even more about summer experiences, you can tune in to The Beyond Measure Podcast with Christina Archer Whitlock at https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/beyond-measure-a-podcast-for-piano-teachers/id1530440503?i=1000662966946

Each summer as I work in the retail or hospitality industries and talk with business owner friends, we chat about the trends we see in tourism, trends in human behaviors, business, and how we should or should not adapt or respond. 

This past summer (2024) I worked for a friend’s tech company doing business development which gave me yet another perspective about business there. From tourists we were noticing a new level of entitlement – like ‘ultra entitlement.’ People wanted to know only the BEST places for everything from where to stay, where to eat, where to shop, what shows to see, which trails to hike, which exact campsites to book, which exact meals to order, or which exact times to go to attractions or places for photo ops. In the facebook groups people were essentially asking (some of them outright) for exact itineraries to ensure the ‘perfect vacation.’ In shops or restaurants business owners were criticized for not being open longer hours, not having specific merchandise, not having specific items on their menus (like other restaurants), or not having reservation times available at the last minute, or not having certain suites available at the last minute, or having their kayak tour canceled due to bad weather. It wasn’t just entitlement, it was like entitlement on steroids. The worst part? When people did not get what they wanted, when they wanted, how they wanted, at the price they wanted, they were enraged. I talked with retail owners who were yelled at for not being open at 8am or 8pm to fit around a tourist’s schedule. I talked with restaurant owners who were berated for not having specific items on their menu that another restaurant had. And the people who did not express their rage in person took to Google reviews to rant about how awful a particular business was. 

I kept wondering what this extreme level of entitlement was all about. When I arrived home to my studio I noticed a few potential clients with similar behavior. They would only agree to lessons on a certain day at a certain time for a certain price. Needless to say they did not become clients after that Meet N’ Greet. I started asking colleagues if they were experiencing the same thing and those I spoke with had the same or similar experiences. 

This has all been percolating for a month as I have wondered what has changed. What has led to this level of self-centeredness, entitlement, rage? Is it just because it is an election year? Is it economic fears? Is it fear of missing out? It is probably a combination of a lot of things. So here is where I have landed. Let me know your thoughts and experiences.

We are living in the space between what we see portrayed on Instagram or Netflix (or wherever) where life is beautiful, perfect, and idyllic, all juxtaposed with other harsh realities we see of war, mass shootings, climate devastation, political rage, and corporate corruption. Yes, we have always existed between those extremes, but the spaces between them are getting smaller, more narrow, like walls closing in around us. 

As we spend more time on social media, the algorithms continue to push more of those extremes at us because they get the most traction and attention. And, it’s not just a theory of mine, it is actually being researched. Here’s a podcast with much more information and research to dive into. https://brenebrown.com/podcast/social-media-moral-outrage-and-polarization/

We exist between perfectly staged photos and videos of the most beautiful places and people, and a constant barrage of moral outrage, awful memes, and horrific journalistic evidence of suffering. It is no wonder that when our lives do not mirror those most beautiful images, we react with outrage, disappointment, fear, judgment, and blame. And the cycle continues. 

I believe it is the fears we have that keep us feeling crushed between the two extremes. We really do feel like the walls are closing in, like we cannot escape. It is overwhelming, exhausting, fearful, and enraging. That is when people lash out – the emotions and thoughts get too big and before we know it, the reaction or explosion comes out (usually inappropriately). 

So what do we do?

1. I believe the first step is simply acknowledging where we are. Now that I see and understand more of what is happening around me and am asking critical questions instead of simply reacting, I can begin to untangle it for myself. If this has resonated with you I hope you will also look honestly at your social media feeds and time spent on those platforms. I also hope you will take note of your reactions or feelings while on social media. How do you feel before, during, and after scrolling? What reactions do you experience?

2. For me the next step is limiting my time on all social media platforms. Consuming less online and participating less online frees up much more time and mental space for living my real life – teaching the piano students in front of me every day; going for more walks with the dog; helping my coaching clients; creating uplifting podcasts; cooking with my husband; having lunch with a friend and getting caught up; cleaning my house while listening to my favorite music; chatting with my adult children by phone or video; and slowing down to notice the change in seasons as I drive around to do errands. You can use built in tools on your devices to help you monitor the time you spend on your devices and even certain apps. Removing apps from my home screens or certain devices altogether has helped me stay off socials when I need to work or want to create. 

3. The next step for me is to say less online and do more in real life. Instead of posting ‘moral outrage’ or memes or complaints (or responding to those posts) online I simply engage in activities which use that energy to positively impact my community. Instead of expressing political outrage online, I spend that time engaged with other poll workers in my community in preparation to help our neighbors vote. And when I am tempted to rant or complain online? I simply journal it, share a ‘vent’ session with my husband, or chat with a friend I trust. Whatever issues you are passionate about, you can use your time to effect real change where you are. If you are concerned about book bans, find out what your local library or school library needs. If you are concerned about local development or rising property taxes, attend the next town or county meetings in your area and learn more about the issues, decisions, and decision-makers. Instead of ranting against or posting memes about any candidate, get involved in your party’s local office and help out. Whatever it is, stop posting about issues thinking that it equates to action or changing someone’s opinion. In fact, posting memes and ‘moral outrage’ on social media only makes the situation worse and contributes to the problem we find ourselves in. So let’s put our phones down and pick up the real work that desperately needs done in our neighborhoods and communities. 

4. Finally, all of this would be incomplete without continuing to work hard on my emotional intelligence and mental health. When I am feeling drained and overwhelmed it is much more difficult for me to understand and process my own emotions, much less respond in healthy ways to all the emotionally-charged content out there. When I am taking care of my own mental health needs, my physical health, my emotional and spiritual health, then I can respond to anything with kindness, compassion, understanding, and an open heart. That does not mean I will agree, but I will listen and share honestly in ways that do not escalate a situation. When I am operating as the best version of myself from a place of fullness, I can be a much more powerful force for unity, peace, and encouragement in my community. When I see the posts of political memes, any kind of ‘rants’ online, and posts of ‘moral outrage,’ I see the emotional immaturity of those posting. Healthy emotional intelligence means we understand how and when to regulate our emotions, and how and when to express our emotions. Yes, it is okay for me to be angry about a school shooting and express that anger in appropriate ways with adult friends, or a therapist, or my spouse. But it is not okay for me to express that anger in the same way around the children and teenagers I teach in my piano studio. Likewise, I understand it does no good to ‘yell into the void’ of social media and express my anger there either. My emotional intelligence work prompts me to process and express my anger in healthy and appropriate ways (and I know what those are for me). Then, I can use that energy to work with others to create real change in real life. 

Some people will read this and think I am against moral outrage. That is not true. There are ways to express moral outrage that are effective and necessary. Rarely is online expression effective, necessary, and helpful. Moral outrage, like expressed in non-violent protests, marches, prayer vigils, community rallies, letters to public leaders and servants, and in conversations around the kitchen table are necessary and effective elements of social justice and change. Too many of us have equated social media rants and posts with the real work of social justice and community involvement. 

However, before you take your moral outrage and emotions out into the streets, or to a town meeting, or your church, or community association, or anywhere else – you MUST do the WORK on yourself first in terms of emotional intelligence and mental health. Misdirected rage and demanding change through bullish power is not how adults solve problems. Bullying one’s way through a meeting or group contributes to the problem instead of helping. Your way is not the best way. My way is not the best way. We have to set aside our self-centered needs and wants in order to LISTEN to all sides, all ideas, and all people, especially those we disagree with the most. 

A colleague of mine recently turned me onto the book, “You’re Not Listening: What You’re Missing and Why It Matters” by Kate Murphy. I highly recommend picking up a copy and reading it to learn what you are missing. 

And what does all of this have to do with tourism and business? 

We have become hardened to the human beings surrounding us. That pressure we feel standing between two opposing forces of idyllic perfection and unimaginable suffering pushes hard against us. Out of fear and frustration we push back just as hard. The pressure hardens our eyes, our ears, our hearts, and our minds because it is impossible to live happily between the extremes and we know it. 

So we reflect the behaviors we see around us thinking that if everyone else is doing it (showing rage), then it must be okay and it must be the only way to get anything done. When we react that way, we operate out of that ‘animal brain’ where instincts of fight and flight come from. That part of the brain is not responsible for logic. It is necessary for survival, but it is not capable of rational thinking and decision making. There are many effective tools for getting ourselves out of that ‘animal brain’ and into using the frontal lobe for reasoning. Breathing exercises, grounding and tapping exercises, and different meditation techniques can all help us stop the ‘rage reaction’ and allow the time and space for our rational brain to kick in. When that happens, we are more likely to see beyond just ourselves, to tap into curiosity, and to work WITH others instead of against others. 

As a small service business owner, I have the luxury of turning people away if I choose. Most business owners are not in that position. So I invite all of us to work on our own mental and emotional health. I invite all of us to learn de-escalation techniques to ‘lower temperatures’ when interactions become heated. I invite all of us to turn off the social media feeds more often. I invite all of us to spend more time really connecting with people in real time with no distractions. I invite all of us to set aside our personal agendas and work with our communities on the issues we care about the most. I invite all of us to see the BEST in others, not assume the worst. I invite all of us to stop blaming and finger-pointing so that we can actually work together and find common ground. I invite all of us to be gentle with ourselves, always working toward healing. I invite all of us to be gentle with others, always working toward connection and collaboration. I invite all of us to leave that space between extremes and reclaim a life of real connection. 

I invite all of us to see one another with soft hearts, open minds, curious ears, and loving eyes. If we can do that, we can escape that narrow, isolated, and fearful place between extremes and reclaim the wisdom and power of our connectedness as humans in community. It’s okay to lay down your baggage. Take my hand, and let’s walk forward together and build the community we all so desperately need.

If you are ready for more conversation, reflection, and soul-work, listen to this episode of “Unlocking Us” with Valarie Kaur sage-warrior-wake-to-oneness-practice-pleasure-choose-courage-become-victory